You know, I should have known or suspected what I was getting myself into.  I know that when you ask for patience you receive experiences that require patience in large measure.  In dealing with those experiences, you develop the patience you asked for.

So, what did I receive after my request to expand my capacity to love?  You got it.  I found myself in a situation so full of unlovingness I nearly succumbed to despair.   And of course, at first I did not connect the dots.  In my frustration and despair I forgot that I had ever made the request in the first place.

I went through the lower responses first.  Fear, anger, frustration.   The ’Fight or Flight’ response unconsciously kicked in big time. Looking back I see that I started first with ‘Fight’, trying to push back against the injustice and callousness.  But things only got worse.  I was simply shunned and made to feel invisible and meaningless.  Greater depression set in.

Then I tried ‘Flight’. Looking for any way to escape this place, this job, these people.  But no door opened.

Finally, the lightbulb began to flicker in my head.  Oh. How better to expand one’s capacity to love than to be put in an unloving environment.  This was not punishment.  This was exactly what I asked for.

With that new awareness, I began to shift inside.  I stopped trying to run away, stopped fighting the situation.  I accepted the lesson and allowed myself to simply be present with it.  I narrowed my focus to just the day before me.  Sometimes just the next moment.   Committing to do the best I could each day regardless of how I was being treated.  In this I found my power again.  My choice.  A more positive attitude.

It took time, many days and weeks, to move from anger, hurt and disdain to neutrality and indifference.  I found I was no longer in a defensive energy.  I was just me.  I released the need to be acknowledged and accepted.  Instead began to acknowledge and accept those around me.  I began to remember that everyone has challenges, drama and trauma in their lives.  That we all are trying to do the best we can under the circumstances we find ourselves in.

I began to realize how unhelpful and needy I had been only seeing that which had been denied me.  I finally remembered that to receive a thing is to first give it.  If I wanted the situation to change I had to change myself.  Ho’oponopono.  Nothing new.  All lessons that I have learned in the  past.  Nestled along with many other forgotten memories the corner of my consciousness.

Ah.  Bright lightbulb.  I am so slow to connect the dots sometimes, but once connected progress quickens.  In meditation I chose to hold each person in the Light, sending love and strength not to make my life better, but because I know it would make their lives better.  I reinforced these intentions with music on the way to work.  Josh Groban’s song “Thankful” over and over, day after day.  Lighting a sage leaf before leaving home.

I cannot tell you the ending to the story as it is still writing itself.  But I can tell you that there has been a shift.  I am curiously content.  Although extremely busy and putting in long hours at work I am happy. There is a softening, if ever so slight, in those I had perceived as my enemies.  Now they are just guys trying to make a difference the only way they know how.  Experts in some areas of business, but rookies  in others.  Kids in a little over their heads.  But aren’t we all?

The angry drivers – all of them – must have pretty frustrating lives to be like that.  And that’s too bad.  Maybe they could use some Light.  Here you go….

And so the lesson continues.  My brother Jesus, my friend and Teacher, is showing me his tricks.  But they are actually quite simple.  He already showed us a long time ago.  But he is kind enough to give me some private tutoring since I asked.

And in Asking it is Given.

To live in the physical body and to dwell upon the earth is an extraordinary gift.  Not all souls are given this opportunity.  It is an honor  to be here.  A lifetime on Earth provides a unique environment for our souls to learn and grow through physicality, through connection and through experience.  We do this over and over.  One time we are the King, the next a pirate, a begger, Mother Teresa.

The thing is – we get caught up with the experiences and forget about our soul and our agenda. The soul becomes a concept, not our lifeline.  We are like naughty kids who have attention deficit disorder, off running around, getting in trouble.  Living the drama and thinking that this is all there is.

One day I got to thinking that my soul must be incredibly patient with me.  Sighing as I get distracted with the excitement of the day, getting caught up in endless cycles of grief, depression and anger.  Forgetting who I am, and why I am here.

It occurred to me to invite my soul to have this life I am living now.  My soul has let me have my way over and over, lifetime after lifetime.  I figured it was time to give something back.  I wanted my soul to have the experiences IT wanted to have, finally.

And, as in so many of my pivotal, innocent decisions I had no idea what I had just committed myself to.

Everything changed.  All the things in my life that defined me at that time were removed.  Partner, job, home, family.   I went through a period of de-construction of self perception, of internal rules, metrics and judgments.  At the same time I was given experiences that expanded my  understanding of how to work with, communicate with and fuse with my soul.

I began painting from inspiration, from intuition, from the heart.  This taught me to listen and act without question.

I learned many different healing techniques and they all came easily to me.  Like I was just being reminded.  I learned to open myself, to allow my soul to take charge of the moment, using the energy of Love and Light to enable others’ self transformation – often known as healing.

I was taken through some very trying times.  The usual litany, of course.  The tug and pull of heart-wrenching relationships, the descent from being well off to virtually penniless, losing my home to foreclosure, getting scammed out of thousands of dollars.  All intended not to punish but to kick up all the sludge.  Anger, fear, betrayal and shame.

And my beautiful soul did this to quickly help me strengthen a litany of lighter attributes – trust, forgiveness, patience, compassion and acceptance.  Mind you, I am very much still a work in process but I can sense some of the rough edges are beginning to smooth out.

Inviting my soul to have its day changed my life.  All the lessons sped up.  Setting intentions of manifestation would not work for me.  Once committed to this path my life was no longer about me and about attracting money, men or nice homes.  It took me a while to figure that out.  Parlor tricks, from Spirit’s point of view.  There is a much bigger game afoot.

Only, I don’t know what it is.  My soul keeps its own counsel on the long-range view of my life.  I am quite sure it is for my own good.  It keeps me
out of trouble.  Keeps me from trying to take back control, from thinking I know what’s best.  It keeps me in the moment, keeps me curious and attentive, and keeps me flexible and responsive.

These are the new rules of the road when traveling the Soul’s Way.  Each time I try to go back and live by the old rules my life is full of struggle.  When I keep to the new rules we are great traveling companions and I go farther than I ever could have imagined and experience things I never would have dreamed.  When I keep to the new rules I dwell in that ‘Peace that goes beyond understanding’.  It really exists, and it is solid, powerful, huge.    It’s like being a beautiful tree whose roots go deep, deep into the Light, anchored, connected and nourished.

It has been a wild ride.  One that has, at times, kept me hanging on for my dear life.  It has changed everything about me, about my life.  And I wouldn’t change a day of it.

I wrote once about offering a gift to Spirit to open the way to positive dialogue.  The gift I offered that day, and continue to offer every day, is my life.  And it has made all the difference.

Consciousness can dwell in the past or the future.  Easily.

It makes no distinction.

Our physical body, however, can only reside in the present moment.

It cannot be in the past and it cannot be in the future.

When both our consciousness and our physical body are present we have full access to our life force.

Health is enhanced. Our bodies need to be with our consciousness to be whole.

Physical issues are more likely to manifest if our consciousness is not in the present.

If it is lingering in the past, or if it is scouting out the future, the body cannot sense it

and therefore the body perceives that it is dying.

Well-being is enhanced when both the body and the consciousness are joined in the present moment.

There is no worry, anxiety, regret or unforgiveness.

Worry and anxiety are of the future.

Regret and unforgiveness are of the past.

When we dwell in the Now our most important choice is our frame of mind.

Will we choose anger or awe, aggression or compassion?

One closes, one opens. Life flows through open passages.

Which will you choose?

Balance in all things is desirable.  We cannot give what we have not first received.

To receive allows another the blessing to give.

To receive acknowledges the blessing of the gift given and returns the blessing ten-fold by receiving.

Receiving can be as simple as stopping in wonder at a sunrise, or accepting a helping hand.

‘Opening to Receive Grace’ is as difficult a skill as ‘Surrender’.  Like other skills learned, it takes awareness first, then focus and practice.  Sensitize yourself, become aware of how you receive.  If, when offered help, you say “No, that’s all right.  I can handle it” (or something like that) you have just turned away Grace.  Try again!  “Yes!  Thanks so much!”

Allow the Love of the Creator to come closer.  Receive it.  Allow it to transform from a conceptual Unconditional Love  (“yeah, but I still have to earn it….”) to a personal resonance and acceptance of “I Simply Adore You!”  from the Creator.  Move the Love from your mind to your heart.  Can you do this?  Can you receive and accept the words “I Adore You” from the Divine into every cell of your Being?  Can you say them to yourself, about yourself?

You will know when you have learned to truly Receive when you can step fully into the energy of that Adoration, and reflect it back, and outward.

I Adore You!  I really do!

Aho.

Service moves us past personal obsession.

Personal obsession is a necessary phase on the journey to mastery.  That much focused energy is needed to break away from social norms, past patterns and belief systems.

Liken the process to building a house.  First you need to decide to build a new house.  (This is that moment when you first experience the Divine moving in your life, and agree to follow its urgings.)

You might need to prepare the site first by clearing away old structures, clutter, etc.  (Recognizing areas or circumstances in your life that are no longer working for you, and choosing to release them.)

Planning and effort are required to build the new house. (Books, workshops, new teachers and friends show up to help you envision, and begin to create, a different life for yourself.)

The hard work of actually building the home, however, is yours alone.  This takes extraordinary effort, requiring nearly all of your focus and attention (and why personal obsession is necessary and expected during this time.)

However, there comes a time when self-exploration and reconstruction is complete.  At some point you have to move into your house and live there.   As any homeowner knows, there will always be a renovation project of some kind on your ‘house’ but the focus shifts from building to residing.

Residing can also be called ‘Expression of Purpose’.  Your energy and focus change direction.  Instead of the inner concentration needed to reconstruct your life, it now turns outward, as a gift to others.  It is a time of learning to use the gifts you have been given, use the gifts you have mastered along the way.   To be an instrument of Divine Will, the perfect tool for the job.

Some people are ‘multi-tools’, able to express or use different gifts in different situations. These people are very versatile and valuable to the work of Divine Service, and can be a very powerful, positive force in the Universe.  However, they must have first mastered the art of Surrender (Lesson 2).

Entering this phase of Service requires moving beyond the goals of, and drama of, personal ambition, agenda and ego.  We eventually come to realize that none of the ideas we dream up in ego will amount to anything.  The hammer may dream of nails, but it only can strike them when the Master Carpenter uses it so.

Service can take many forms, and can change from day to day, moment to moment.   Being an Instrument requires being tuned in to Guidance 24/7. It requires an understanding that Service will often take on different expressions and directions than we expect. And so it requires that we suspend expectation and embrace ‘going with the flow’.   It requires staying sharp, listening to, and acting on Guidance without question or argument.

There is no shame in being the child learning, in personal obsession.  You will always be a child, one who yearns for knowledge, wisdom. The terms ‘Mastery’ and ‘Service’ may sound very much like a graduation, or a special title.  They really aren’t.  They simply mean that you have
learned enough along the way to offer some of that wisdom to another who follows behind you.

It has been said that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.  It also works in reverse.  When the teacher is ready, the students will appear.  Be attentive to those who come into your life.  If appropriate, offer them some of the bounty of your life for their nourishment.

Aho.

Slowing down the race of mental thought, the rush of
emotions

Choosing to enter the present moment

Gratefully tightening the focus to ‘Just Now’

Letting the past fall away

Letting the future fall away

Recognizing, KNOWING without a doubt

That what is, right now, is perfect.

Every ‘right now’ is perfect.

Struggle ceases, life eases.

Energy moves from frustration and anger to curiosity.

From ‘Why Me!?’ to ‘I Wonder Why Me?’

Allowing the newly expanded question lead you down new paths
of possibilities

New awareness and appreciation of Self, of Spirit, of
Service.

When the heart and mind are opened and aligned

Then the gift waiting in the moment can be perceived, and
received.

That is when the irritating piece of sand is transformed
into a pearl.

Choosing to step aside to allow Spirit to come through and move as it will.

Surrender requires us learning to hear, to listen to and trust the Guidance given.

Choosing to give way to Guidance.

Choosing to suspend personal agenda.

Responding enthusiastically to Guidance given.

Responding nimbly to Guidance given, without analysis, arguing or deliberation.

Just immediate, unquestioned action.

“Going with the flow”.

Finding and feeling into the direction of the Flow, which is the Will of the Universe.

Aligning and adding personal energy and gifts to it.

*********************

This Lesson, as given to me, outlines the ‘what’ of surrender.  Perhaps you are now asking ‘how is that to be done’?  I cannot tell you how it will be for you on your Journey, but I can share with you how it has been on mine, what I have learned long the way.  Perhaps this will help you perceive the patterns in your life, to understand how you have already been learning to surrender.

For me, surrender was always a ‘dirty’ word.  A sign of weakness, of giving up.  I’ve been told a time or two that I can be headstrong and stubborn.  While every attribute has a positive side to it, apparently I am often stubborn in unhelpful ways for the evolution of my Service. Fortunately, my Teachers and Guides have been even more stubborn.   (Visualize the breaking of a wild stallion)

In the early days I was not very good at meditating.  I bought books to try and figure out what I was doing wrong, but I’d either get caught up in the mind chatter or fall asleep.  Sometimes I still do…  But Spirit does not give up so easily and found other ways to Teach me how to Hear.

Through a series of synchronistic events my life simplified, giving me time and space to slow down from the hectic corporate world.  I was given a human Teacher who could Hear and brought me the information I needed but could not gather yet for myself.  I was nudged and encouraged to experiment with art.  I had no real previous interest or training in art before this, but as I said, I had time on my hands.

I had no idea how to begin, but a strong urging inside me began to show me the way.  ‘Go to Michaels, walk down this aisle, put these things in the basket.’  I took my purchases home, still clueless what to do with them.  Over the next few days I simply sat with the materials and waited until I got a little glimmer of inspiration of what the heck to do with them. None of it made sense to me.  I painted some balls.  I cut and painted some dowels.  I prepared a simple piece of wood for a base.  Pieces of a puzzle that I had no picture for.

Then it seemed to assemble itself.  It was so easy.  And when it was done I sat back and just said WOW.  I could feel an energy field emanating from it!   (of all the art I’ve done since, this is still my most treasured creation!)

How did I do that? Well, I didn’t exactly.  I helped create it.  But I learned a lot in the process.

I learned that what I needed to know would only come one little piece at a time.  I had to wait for the next instruction to bubble up and present itself.

I had to stay focused, curious and open.

I had to suspend my ego from trying to hurry the process up, or try and finish it the way I thought it should be.

I had to suspend all expectation and simply allow it to unfold, to create itself basically.

I simply was a tool used to put the pieces together.  Perhaps the word ‘simply’ is understated.  It is a great honor to be a tool of the Divine.  It takes a lot of fine tuning to be ready to be used as a tool. (go back and re-read Lesson Two).

As the weeks, months and ultimately years have clicked by, it has become easier to hear, to recognize the way the voice of the Divine speaks to me.  Some days it is very clear, with lots to share and discuss, and other times I can go for days or weeks and hear virtually nothing.  Those are lonely times, but I have stopped (mostly) freaking out when it happens.  I know there is a reason.

Which brings me to my next point.  Spirit doesn’t owe us an explanation – for anything.  So often we pray and beg to know what will come next, like it is our right to know.  We want to know, and we want to know it RIGHT NOW!  Fuggetaboutit.  You only ever get the next piece of the puzzle, the next step on the path.  And you get it when it’s time to get it.  It is a great gift to receive this.  The Creator walks with us, loves us, and gifts us exactly what is appropriate, when it is appropriate.   (re-read Lesson One)

We are asked to Trust. The ultimate Blind Man’s Bluff. Only this time it is with our life. Trust that everything is working out perfectly, even when it doesn’t even remotely appear so.   Trust that highest good for all is in good Hands and unfolding in each moment, not just for you, but for countless Beings.

Trust is hard, especially if you have been betrayed.  And who hasn’t?  We guard ourselves, we want to be in control so no one can hurt us.  Then Spirit comes along and asks us to suspend all that. To trust that which we can’t see, feel or touch.  To trust, when we can’t see the bigger picture or know truly where we are being guided.   It’s a lot to ask.   But there it is.

A thousand times I haven’t been able to trust, and I’m sure there will be thousands more.  But when I do, and give way to Spirit, to the illogical, to the Path of Love, to jump off the cliff without a safety line, I have never regretted it.  In those moments I have allowed Spirit to move here on earth, through me, for whatever purpose it requires.  (Like writing these Lessons…)

It is said that humans are unique among all of the Divine’s creations because we have been given the gift of Free Will.  So far, from my experience, the highest and best use of the free will is to give it up. To use it to choose to align with, give way to, Divine Will.  To stop focusing on jumping in the little puddles of this life and dive into the Big Pond.  Get in the Big Game.  (for those of you who are ‘Pirates of the Carribbean’ fans – think of the little crabs who joined together to move that big ship forward.)  We don’t have to do this, ever, but when we choose to give way, to surrender, we open yet another door for Spirit to join us and Brighten things up.

Aho.

____________________________________________________________________________________

To know what the Ancient Ones knew, ask the Earth.  The Earth was the source of their wisdom too.

To ask, it is appropriate to first offer a gift.  Give it freely, from the heart.  It opens the way to receive the same.  Giving a gift, and asking, initiates the cycle of love and loving sharing.  It closes the door to the energy of taking.

It is good to ask.  It honors the Mother.

The nature of the Question reveals much about you to her and helps her know how to respond.

Questions that stem from intent for personal gain tell her that you are still a child learning.  She will lovingly give you what you need, not necessarily what you ask for.

Questions asked in humility to gain understanding show her that you have long walked the path to Mastery and Service.  She will reveal to you in accordance with your ability to receive and perceive.

Questions that have been forged through deep consideration and long preparation are the highest gift to the Mother.  She sits beside you as you prepare to ask, helping and nudging your analysis and thought process.  Answering you before you actually ask.

The rhythm and energy of the Questionner should be entrained to the rhythm of the Mother.  This requires stillness, noticing and listening, and choosing to move into and within her rhythms.  Although there is the underlying beat of the Mother’s Heart to establish the rhythm, she has many moods, each with a different cadence.

Early mornings, fog and gentle rain are her softest moods.  Thunderstorms and blazing sun reveal her emotional variety – just like you have.  Her strongest emotions of grief, joy and frustration are felt in her hurricanes, earthquakes and blizzards.

She feels deeply and her feelings are influenced by her children. (I fear we have been quite a handful to her!  No one enjoys being taken for granted, taken advantage of, taken from without asking.  How long would you endure this from your children before standing your
ground?)

Most parents have experienced the almost overwhelming love they feel for their newborn child.  As the child grows, that first adoration remains.
A child may grow up and leave his / her parents, but the parents love remains and sustains them always.

We are each loved in this way by the Mother.  She sustains us with her love every day of our lives.  All that we have, and all that we experience and perceive comes from her, would not be possible without her.

In your quiet moments, when you slow down, open all your senses.  Feel her heartbeat and know you are being held and hugged.  Feel the adoration in her eyes as she looks at you. Accept her love and receive it into your very cells and you will be healed and blessed beyond measure. Return this to her and you will heal her and bless her beyond measure.  It is good.

It is up to each of us to choose how we will approach this ‘season of giving’.  We are not obligated to follow the Joneses, or out-buy Uncle Joe.  Give yourself permission to feel your way through this holiday with a new mindset.  Whatever feels right and true for you, is right and true for you.  Honor that.  Own it.

As a child, I loved Christmas.  I looked forward to finding my stocking filled and hung by my bed.  It was pure joy.  Joy of receiving small trinkets and goodies from this amazing large man in a red suit with a big beard.  There was magic afoot.  How DID he get down that teeny chimney and not get dirty?  How DID he visit every home in one night?  How DID he know the heart’s desire of every young child?  Yes, indeed.  This was a powerful, amazing magic.  Magic brewed from unconditional love.  And I happily received all that he would choose to give to me.

Of course, as the years clicked by, I got smarter. I understood the deception but still pretended to believe.  Every child drags his or her feet at letting go of their belief in magic, in one person who truly loves us unconditionally.   I think it is very traumatic for kids to learn the truth of Christmas.  A sacred bond of trust is broken, and so are our hearts. 

As adults and parents we may think that it’s time for our kids to grow up and deal with the real world.  My mother made it all real for me the last year I received a stocking.  All the price stickers were still on every gift.  (This ruse of magic is Expensive, kid!  Don’t expect another stocking.)  Ouch.

As a young adult, launching my first marriage and family, I followed tradition.  Cut down a fresh tree each year, crunching through the snow with clouds forming around me from my breath.  Ah, the smell of the pine!  The twinkle of lights.  Every gift I gave was hand made by me, with love.  For a brief time I could re-claim the magic for myself and pass it on to my young son.

Over the years, killing a tree didn’t seem very Christmas-like.  I tried the balled tree approach, planting them in my yard afterwards. But they never survived.  And that was very sad.  I eventually settled on tiny lights and ornaments on a Norfolk Island Pine that lived in the house with us all year round.  It was very merry and no life taken.

Slowly, though, the magic left again, as it always does.  The kids got bigger and no longer believed.  They just wanted the booty.   Husband # 2 had no interest in decorating, or magic, or gift giving.  Thus began my journey into Bah-Humbug land.  For years, even after that marriage ended, I would not put up a tree or decorate.  Didn’t send out cards, gave only gifts of obligation.  It is a desolate land.

This year, I am finding the magic again in a new way.  On the tail of my journey these past months to remember unconditional love, to re-learn how to give it… and how to receive it… the original magic of Christmas has been growing within me, to experience every day.  To experience every day as an enormous gift.  To know that I am, we all are, deeply loved, unconditionally, exactly as we are.  No coal in the stocking, ever.  No naughty list.  Just pure love and joy.

I can be that little child, the one who believes in magic, while simultaneously being a grown adult.  I realize that all the frantic parents out there, searching for just the right gifts, are in their own way reclaiming the magic too.  And gifting their children the taste of magic and unconditional love, if only for a brief time.  Santa is the ultimate delegator.  His magic is rooted in the heart of every parent who still remembers, still yearns for that unconditional love.  And finds it by giving it.

Christmas is about love, pure, happy, unconditional love.  Joy to be with those we love, joy to simply breathe and experience life any way we choose.  To find the gifts left for us within every day, if we but have the eyes to see them, and the heart to receive them.

I have walked out of Bah-Humbug land, and found a path of Beauty, Gentleness and Love.  It is full of magic and possibilities.  I wish you happy journeying as well, whatever path you choose.

This past week has not been so easy.  My mornings, when I prefer to write, have been busy with other activities, and my blog is falling further and further behind.  It weighs on me and I seek gaps in the increasing busyness of life to make good what I said I’d do.

In my meditations I am shown that my intention to devote a period of time each day to creative expression has now become a ritual, a rule, in my life.  This is not what was asked.  As soon as I made it a rule and started fussing over it, I lost the flow, lost my flexibility and adaptability and traded it in for more rigid thinking.  This is not what was asked.

When I meditate, many profound thoughts bubble up from somewhere – my inner wisdom, my guides, God – call it what you will.  What I was asked was to document these insights and share them with others, if they choose to read them.  I decided to use my daily blog as a way of sharing this information.

And I will continue to do so.  But in the meantime, a gentle reminder is what bubbles up at this time.   Do all with ease and flexibility.  Give Spirit the room to do things differently than I expect, allow myself to follow the currents within each day and enjoy the variations of routine.

Above all, be aware of when the 3 R’s (Rules, Resistance and Rigid Thinking) play too strong a role in my life.  They creep in quietly, by the back door.  My ego’s attempt to be in control again, to run my life  (by MY rules…yup – there it is!)

Better to be a pirate – live by guidelines, rather than rules.  Allow and accept all things as they are and there can be no resistance.  Exercise the mind to keep it flexible and open.  Pay attention.  Notice.  Adjust as needed, without judgment.  Always in joy and unbridled enthusiasm.